Mental Illness Humor: The Mental Health Hotline

29 01 2008

Good morning, welcome to the mental health hotline…

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s and grandmother’s maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.





Men and Mental Health

28 01 2008

I have a confession to make.
I do.
I have been lying to you all.
Yep.
Absolutely!
I’ve been lying to everyone for the last 28 years, 11 months, 3 weeks and lord knows how many seconds! Now, a week or so before my 29th birthday I have decided to come clean, stand up and confess. Has to be done, no question about it, can’t keep up these lies any more.
Ok…?
Here goes…

[deep breath]

I
am
NOT
a
MAN!

[blimey that feels good!]

It’s like this fifty eight thousand tonne weight has been lifted off my somewhat hairy back. It’s true though – I’m not.

It’s perfectly understandable why you’d all think that I am, what with; the presence of a beard, chest hair, rippling muscles, an Adam’s apple, a penchant to get a hard on at the mere passing thought of a naked woman, and the ability to turn into a raving ape at the actual sight of a naked woman…and oh yeah, I’ve got a penis.

But alas, I am not a man.

Why?

Well, I don’t feel the desire to – when ratarsed – piss in shop doorways; I don’t wolf whistle at woman as they walk down the street; I don’t chug pints of beer as a hobby; nor do I watch sports [breath] I don’t shag other women when I’m in a relationship; I remember birthdays and anniversaries and all sorts of grossly inappropriate important events; I never leave the toilet seat up nor do I feel the need to play the “I can get less urine in the bowel than you” game [breath] I think beer tastes like luke-warm yak’s vomit; I don’t feel the need to lie to a woman constantly in order to (a) impress her (b) cheat on her or (c) bang her; I don’t play football nor receive ridiculously pseudo-erotic pleasure from watching guys running around a field in tight shorts but I do however receive ridiculously pseudo-erotic pleasure from watching a man in a waistcoat screw a ball the length of the table [breathe] I see woman as more than just t-a-c; don’t keep a tally of how many lays I’ve had; I drink alcopops…in public…have never vomited into a pint glass; stolen a witch’s hat; got into a fight; screwed my girlfriend’s best friend nor would I no matter how tempted I may be [breathe] I’d never slap a woman in the face; nor on the ass as a means of coming on to her [smaller breath] I would never give a woman a job based solely on the quality of her posterior; nor get into a discussion about rating my friends’ tits on a 1-10 scale; I wouldn’t scribble 100 words for a woman’s sacred garden above the urinals in the pub…sacred garden? You need more proof? Fine…my mood changes frequently; I talk about my emotions; am not afraid to cry if I want to; nor even when I don’t [breath] I want babies; I want commitment; I like living somewhere where I can see the carpet; I’ve never measured my cock when I’m alone; when I’m talking to a woman I’m looking at her eyes – not her tits; I really don’t see the appeal of a g-string; think cricket is bloody stupid; and would much rather be sitting on a beach talking to a woman about the advantages/disadvantages of John Howard than sitting on a beach staring at her arse [breath] I really don’t see why women need to shave their legs; or their armpits; or their moustache and to be blunt would much rather sleep with someone with a bush hairier than a badger’s back than a bald bush smoother than that of a prepubescent schoolgirl; oh, and I care more about woman orgasming than I do my own, colour me selfish that way [breath] I have no problem ballroom dancing with another man; I have no problem hugging another man; I have no problem talking emotionally with another man; I have no problem crying in front of another man; I have no problem going to see a Doctor if I’m sick; nor do I have a problem with eating an egg and broccoli quiche whilst asking for directions from a man chowing down on a steak sandwich; and oh yes, I admit to making mistakes.

[breathe]

[before I pass out]

Bloody hell I could go on all day, but hey, the easiest way to prove my massive (almost) 29 year long deception – I have no problem with standing up before the whole of the world and announcing: I am suffering from depression!

[oh]

[hang on]

[ummmmmm]

I…ummm…made…a…mistake.

Sorry. Sorry everyone. Dammit, I got it wrong.

I am actually a man after all.

A hell of a man!

Far more so than anyone who fits into the categories I described above; and any man who dares say otherwise may very well be the second person to get a bitch slap from me. And any woman who dares say otherwise – well – if I don’t know them they may get a scolding glare, if I know them, maybe a slap on the butt (‘cause remember I don’t bitch slap women nor do I slap their asses as a means of coming on to them, keep up!)

To be a man, is to be one thing: courageous.

In today’s world, where men are vilified by woman on an almost global scale and forced to become the Neolithic apes they despise so much in order for them to be interested in you (I know, go figure!) being a man is to have the courage to: cry whilst watching Bambi; actually ask for help from the female shop assistant when buying lingerie for your girlfriend; talk about tampons and hormones with your girlfriend; order quiche in the restaurant; actually buy lingerie your girlfriend would like and feel sexy in rather than something you want to see the female shop assistant wear for you; tell your girlfriend if you’ve had a fight with your best mate; cry whilst eating the best piece of tofu you’ve ever tasted; nervously shake when you kiss a woman for the first time; say no to your girlfriend’s best friend when she’s seducing you in the nuddy; realize sport is a complete waste of your life; that pissing in doorways just makes you look like a twat; take your girlfriend’s tampon out of her bag and give it to her without treating it like a live hand grenade; nervously shake when you kiss a woman for the first time badly; ask where her clit is & if there’s anything you’re doing wrong; cry if you’re feeling upset; not hit the first thing you see if you’re drunk, angry or stupid; say I love you in circumstances that don’t involve blow jobs; nervously shake when you kiss a woman for the first time badly and then joke about it afterwards; not always follow your penis’ every request; admitting to how you’re feeling; follow your beliefs no matter what they may be or how derisive your friends are being; not always cum first and then falling asleep; put the toilet seat down; go to the Doctor; tell your girlfriend you have a problem; hell, tell any of your friends that you have a problem.

Being a man is having the courage to stand up and admit that you have a mental illness and not care what anyone thinks.

[And I’m not just saying that because I’m a man who is doing this same exact thing]

That one simple word is all what being a man is. Believing in yourself so much that you don’t care what other men or women think of you. If other men can’t handle it, then, they don’t deserve that beer they pretend to like so much. If women can’t handle it, then, remember that the most important thing is the emotional connection you have, not how many or how often you’ve shagged.

Quality, not quantity.

This insipid culture we now live in where a man is considered to be weak, worthless and spineless because he admits to having a mental illness is what is costing lives. More men die from suicide every year than women. More men go through life in pain than women. Why? Because they’re too afraid to admit they have a problem. Why? Because they don’t have the courage to stand up to the fear, derision and masculine stripping vilification they will receive from all corners if they do. Why? Well, that’s just because everyone’s decided what a man should be instead of realizing they are – like women – human. Men don’t come from Mars any more than women don’t come from Venus (and just for the record, you don’t have to like visiting Uranus to be man).

One of the purest forms of the stigma against mental health is also one of the vilest forms of stigma out there; sexism. And however controversial this may sound, it’s being propagated by women just as much, if not more so, than by men.

Women desire men to be men and this means not having flaws or problems or weaknesses.
In order for a man to be accepted they must act in this way regardless of how they’re feeling.
For we wouldn’t want to be weak now would we!

In a discussion on mental illness I was once told by someone that they could believe and accept in the existence of a woman suffering from post natal depression, but could not believe that depression was something a man could suffer from. In other words, in women it is perfectly acceptable but in men, it is seen as a weakness, a trait to be avoided, ignored, derided and laughed at.

Is it any wonder why so many men are blowing their heads off or chucking themselves off bridges?

Tell me, what’s more courageous?

1. Bottling up all of your emotions so that a woman can respect you, only for your brains to redecorate your office?
2. Admitting to a woman that you have a problem, even if it means never visiting her sacred garden again?

Yep, you’re right.
If it is indeed true that a woman can’t be attracted to a man that cries, then there is something seriously wrong with the world in which we live. Men have feelings, men feel pain, men hurt – and they should be allowing to show it without recrimination.
Women need to realize this.
Men need to realize this.
We all need to realize this.

by Addy
Originally posted on All that I am, all that I ever was… (November 2007)





the dark underbelly of the trendy eating disorder scene

27 12 2007

 

‘Creep not upon the earth, my brother, like an animal. Put on those wings which Plato says are caused to grow on the soul by the ardour of love. Rise above the body to the spirit, from the visible to the invisible, from the letter to the mystical meaning, from the sensible to the intelligible, from the involved to the simple… If with all your might you strive to rise above the cloud and clamour of the senses He will descend from light inaccessible and that silence which passes understanding in which not only the tumult of the senses is still, but the image of all intelligible things keep silence.’  (Erasmus)

Mass Consumption: Asceticism meets Consumerism

 Ascetic Ideal Of Femininity = Anorexia

+ Consumer Ideal = Bulimia 

 When ascetic ideals clash with the status symbols of consumerism it gives rise to contradictions; wo/men should be faithful but also sexually rapacious, wo/men shouldn’t diet, in fact ideally they should eat a lot, yet they should be exceptionally thin and athletic; women should be child-like and submissive to patriarchal views yet independent and intelligent, women who wear make-up are vain yet women should have porcelain skin, long lashes and live up to the airbrushed fantasies in magazines; men should be both sensitive yet strong, emotionally open yet independent, complete in order to be a completion for others yet suffering well-timed moments of weakness for the complete modern woman who needs to be needed.  Both sexes are still too preoccupied trying to make the everything they are supposed to be work to know how to help the other.  Bulimia can be seen as an extreme reaction to, even an embodiment of, such contradictions.  Binge in the consumer mode, purge in the ascetic.  Both ideals, extreme asceticism and extreme possession (a post-modern avarice, self-possession) are incompatible, unsustainable and destructive. 

A different form of consumption has taken hold of men and women alike.  Not a huge surprise that modern ideas of anorexia emerge most evidently in the industrial metropolis.  Advice pages of Victorian Ladies Magazines are full of mother’s panic about their hitherto bright daughters cutting off their circulation with corsets to get the desired figure.  No wonder sensation novels are full of girls having fainting fits.

Feminism never got rid of corsets, society merely internalised them.  And, to pre-empt the burning bras corollary, women need them for comfort and feminism always knew it. Burning bras was a media invention to disparage a 1969 No Miss America march.  There is nothing intrinsically wrong with corsets for that matter, they can accentuate that pelvic curve; rather the insidious cultural restrictions that impel a singular figure that’s the problem.

The media doesn’t cause anorexia or bulimia any more than a drug dealer causes addiction.  Yet society doesn’t allow dealers to hang out in the school playground without a fight.  Images of perfect bodies throughout culture must an atmosphere in which eating disorders thrive.  Disordered eating may begin as an unconscious attack of unacceptable social ideals, but if forced conscious it may become a reaction against.  The patient is not a model of the ideal; their behaviour is symptomatic of the reasons for objecting to such generic standards.  At a certain point of recovery, the stand-up and saying ‘My name is… and I am a bulimic’ stage, unconscious reaction to society becomes a conscious reaction against.  That is when the madperson can become the radical, lobbying for reform.

Cultural expectations control passion to the point of screaming.  The individual fights against it, striving for compromise equilibrium.  Forced into conscious thought, even locker room jokes are spoilt, male desire is as tangled up as female desire ever was.  Every romantic comedy shows a prohibitive standard of perfection tying the knot of attraction.  Beauty is only skin deep but the gaze depends on cultural expectations, and so does sexual love.

In the earliest extant law book, which biologically speaking is not that old, a charter myth of patriarchy follows fast on the Word’s Creation.  Si[g]n came into the world through that original woman eating knowledge.  Peace plucked into bits when she shared that food for thought with her other half.  The punishment, to be shamefully aware of flesh and painfully aware of Bloody childbirth (the spiritual origin of community).  Beauty and shamefaced ugliness, those binary opposites, are the apple of every communities eye; cultural standards that frustrate natural energy.  The story of Adam and Eve is a piece of art, sign or symbol, that naturalises intellectual standards of beauty as opposed to instinctual attraction.  These aesthetic social ideals crafted the psyche as soma, naturalised intellect as sympathetic flesh and communities Blood as Spirit.  And so Eve ate the apple.  Natural matter imbued with Si[g]n, so says the Word, decayed humanity.  Si[g]n is frustrated instinct, natural Passion becomes unnatural appetite.  The woman, functional as a ribbed and ribbing body to birth man, is coiled in her own brain tissue by reaching beyond her caged maw.  So, rebellious, Eve need submit to more suffering during childbirth.  The body as community as culture; much like the Tower of Babel story it is society, connections between two, that moral codes go between.  Associated then is woman’s submission to her own leaking body and her desired physical and mental submission to man who submits to God.  This may be verified by Lilith, who in some popular versions of the myth, refuses to submit to Adam and is punished with eternal barrenness; the natural state of woman’s Blood without violence translated to vicious nightmare, vampiric miscarriages of maternal instinct.  Women out of control are morally repugnant.  Unsubmissive sexual appetites belly crawl outside acceptable social functions, and are as such connected with indulgence of the senses; libidinous, gluttonous, curious.  A questioning mentality is translated physically.

Although biological functions have defined her as a slave to instinct, the New Testament has it that woman shall be ’saved by childbirth’.  Through childbirth the female form can be thought of as a creative not just a sensual canvass.  Motherhood is dissociated from Passion (from the virgin birthing a human saviour born of Blood yet conceived free of sexual ‘sin’.  His Passion translated to self-sacrifice through the body, a violent blood letting).  That Biblical mother’s (i.e. the birth of Samson) need to refrain from eating unclean things may be significant as part of this trend.  A nurturing woman’s needs must be under control.  Marriage as a financial appropriation of emotion submitted body and Passion to un/comfortable social definition, containing her procreative capacity within functional economic bonds.  Tied by apron strings, or more atavistically the umbilical cord, to the duties of preparing meals social definitions of femininity are forever entangled in food.  In this respect gluttony is a reader’s digest of instinct twisted by social definitions of gender.

Divorced from reality, traditional moral restrictions no longer go between human thought and action.  Post-modern mental rot has enacted umbilicus decay.  Dissociate from spirit, blood is clogged with transfat.  Dissociate from control, people sleepwalk into ambien eating.  Dissociate from comfort, bodies coil brains.  Women, no longer desired for their procreative abilities, should be girls with slight pelvis; their breasts apparently not required for feeding babies can be plasticity pumped full of toxic chemicals, to satisfy the mechanised gaze rather than natural hunger.  Irresponsible perhaps to have cosmetic surgery.  Still nobody is directly responsible; peer pressure is fatal and fitting in remains perhaps the least worst reaction for that bullied individual.  Haggard from birth by distant-screaming guilt, our aging society is determinedly youthful in its search for comfort.  Perhaps the only way an anorexic feels they can reject such frustrated pleasure pursuit is a distracted unconscious writhing that mortifies the flesh, as never being good enough gets depressed into self-destruction rather than being transcribed into useful creation. So consumerism runs rampant, pooling stagnant milk lakes and steeping bread mountains, while, counterbalancing industrial horizons, Romantic views idealise childhood.  Naturally, we want to be young, fresh faced, lithe, and carefree; not responsible for any of this.  This is perhaps where female images diverge from male.  Men are still signposted towards worker’s brawn and muscle, consummately responsible for good work, although a trilling boy power is catching on, cause celebre style.  The only responsibility empowered girls are weighed down with still tends toward shame for not being what they should, even if such blame is laughed off with a ‘zigiziga’ and a ‘what a wanker’ gist of the wrist.  Instead of defining ourselves based on natural talent, live action, definition continues to be mistranslated by fleshed senses.  Sexbomb successes.  Fat failures.  How sexually attractive is that fifteen/fifty year old?  The twenty-five year old is now the ideal youth, lithe and carefree, that actual adolescents defer childhoods to be, and older people botox reason to become again.  Our lives, our identities, are determined by distracted sensation.  Associated with moral codes, unreasonably valorised, that only result in senseless guilt.

So what is the compromise equilibrium for cultural si[g]n, for men and women, sexuality in equality, for identities, bodies, eating?  Disorder, at the moment, as the wor[l]d is deconstructed.  Those decaying binary oppositions of beauty and ugliness need to be, now fragmented yet figmented, re-imagined beyond cathexis.  Shame is a reaction against pride.  Without pride there is no shame.  Without singular beauty there is no shamefaced ugliness. Without forbidden knowledge, maggot bit by an absolute Word, associate bodies need not be riddled by self-consuming self-indulgent guilt, that pride of shame over comfort men and women might find an equilibrium, and live together even on this compromised earth without Passion becoming appetites.  If and when gluttony is no longer profitable to mass produced culture, disordered eating might move beyond bloated self-negation and create out of individual upheavals a motion against consumptive social definition.

by eleventhetter





An Alternate Viewpoint on School Shootings

25 12 2007

 

The focus on gun control and mental illness after school shootings is largely unjustified. Of course, this is common knowledge to people with any shred of logicality, but I’m going to take it a bit further. There are many factors involved in these shootings, including parental neglect, reading insane material, depression, and…..

ZERO TOLERANCE POLICIES!

Yep, I said it. The very policies that the schools supposedly ‘rely on’ to ‘prevent’ violence are actually a major cause of explosive violence and school shootings.

Why? They don’t differentiate between self defense, retaliation, and aggression. This creates a catch 22 for people who are made fun of and feel as though they have nothing to do. Their parents can commonly be seen calling the school, but the school does little, and if they do, the insults continue behind administrators backs. Even so, they’re called rats and made fun of even more.

This unintelligent school policy not only reeks of lack of empathy, but is blatantly in line with the ‘politically correct’ groupthink of today.If these individuals ignore aggression, they run the risk of getting hurt but much more likely being completely humiliated. This leaves one option: fight back.

However, with zero tolerance policies, all parties involved are almost always punished equally. This leads to many who just defend themselves or stand up for themselves to think that they are at fault, and even if they realize that this is not the case, it creates a lot more frustration than necessary.

People who are made fun of and snubbed thus have no option other than to suffer, or explode like many of the school shooters do. Even before these ‘zero tolerance policies’, school policy largely started leading up to this. It clears the school’s ass of blame no matter what and makes for an easy method of ‘processing’ cases without any real critical thought, time or effort.

I’m not condoning school shootings. I understand that they are the minority of those put in this situation; those who have come across certain rhetoric, those who are often abused the worst, those who have formed thoughts that it is okay to commit such a horrible act. But just imagine a poor kid who has been verbally and physically abused in school for eight years. He finally gets the guts to fight back and guess what happens? He’s suspended, or worse, maybe expelled if he does a number on the other guy. What’s more, his parents make him out to be bad. In the short term, it may shut things up, and make the school look peaceful. But in the long term it fuels an explosive rage that just doesn’t go away.

So, next time you see this on the news, don’t think ‘That guy just must be crazy!’ It’s certainly true that some may be in a rather unstable state of mind, but think of the causes of this. Think of the treatment they endure, and think about how all their exists are blocked. Different people have different tolerance levels depending on many different factors, and though we should not condone violence, we must give suffering individuals a method to alleviate that suffering.

Otherwise, we are unfortunately contributing to the problem.

by sociopathicregret